“Memories of
the Son of the Baritone Woman”, the brilliant Nicholas Sacripante
autobiography, reveals Nicky’s Auntie Tilde used to apply on his
chest a poultice made of boiling hot eucalyptus and Worchester
Sauce every damned Wednesday, in order to prevent him from a sore
throat.
She also used to
warn him: "The man who does not know what to do in his
life become journalist, and the man who is not able to be a journalist,
winds up a sports commentator".
Nicholas, more
to escape his inexorable ancestor’s cataplasm than to emulate
her tenderness, made up his mind and decided he would become a Yakuza
or join the rough boys in Kabuki theatre, dreaming of their
umbeatable black belts. Unfortunately, his Japanese was quite stunted
and he filled in the wrong form, applying for a job as dogcatcher
in Nagasaki and surrounding areas.
He never gave up and many,
many fleas later he finally achieved the
American Dream: here attached you can find some
breaking news our brave backdoor reporter sent about one of the most terrifying menaces
of 20th Century: the AntiG Group.
An outlandish leaflet, found
in a phone booth at Bressana Bottarone, hymns a recently set-up movement which
names itself Anti-G.
It puts up a fight, by every
possible means, against universal gravitation, that expresses imperialism, according
to Anti-G activists, in a much more odious way than the hackneyed globalization
does.
Group members deny G-force and invite all followers
to jump out windows to prove physics is just a swindle.
Anti-G group
kamikazes training in a Libyan phone booth
(CNN International)
Reports of heavy fightings
last night in Toblach, South Tyrol, where five members of notorious Anti-G group
were caught by an Austrian Schuetzen patrol while devastating an apple orchard.
Sabots were violently thrown between terrorists, who were destroying the Evident
Mausoleum of the imperialistic personality Isaac Newton, and the right-oriented
local corps. Struggle only ceased at dawn's first lights.
Autonomous province's fruit farmer have asked
for a disaster declaration.
Not-so-global apples
(Fox
News)
A mysterious and ominous incident happened near Paris. Unknown
trespassers entered the International Bureau of Weights and Measures in
Sevres and broke into the airtight case the kilogram prototype is kept
in. The platinum-iridium sphere has been substituted by a bamboo cane
cube whose side is 5 inches (6, 55 euro) long. The authors of that deed
explained in a leaflet left on the scene it was their will to overthrow
one of the most reactionary symbols of Western culture for a fair unit
of measurement.
Anti-G group's joint action
(BBC International).
Another terrorist attack in Europe. Unknown people desecrated Niklas
Koppernick's tomb. Lots of leaflets hailing the end of sun's tyranny and
the restitution of earth were found nearby, whereas it is clearly
written on Polish scientist's tombstone "Fuck you Koppernick".
Mixed reactions
After carrying a motion to effectuate a final democracy within the
group, Anti-G members resolved to call permanent elections for the Governing
Committee (GC).
Followers can now be identified by going around inside a self-propelled
voting booth.
According to an infiltrated informer, outgoing GC members received a
crushing majority: billions of followers unanimously voted a blank ballot.
A broadcasting company is said to be interested in basing a television
format on it.
A follower trying to get unnoticed
(Reuters)
Some members of the local Fivesome of No-Gravitational Group barricaded
themselves into the Department of Theoretical Logic at University of
Heidelberg and, self-calling themselves Individualist Collective, took
hostage some Department clerks. They declared to pursue killing the
Principle of Non-Contradiction they hold responsible of classism and of
all discriminations.
The Department porter, who escaped from imprisonment in some
providential way, said attackers are five guys disguised as ducks. In
order not to be recognized, they communicate one to another by
statements exclusively. It seems that statements are for major safety
thought and written by somebody else. The whole Department has been
filled with life-sized statues of Gus Goose. Before fainting, heroic
porter said untold tortures were inflicted on hostages. For over six
hours the director of the Department of Semantics was forced to answer
"No, I can't" to the question "Can you say 'No, I can't'?".
After refusing to free hostages in exchange for Mr. Markus the Horrible,
a Dutch dissident logic, terrorists, according to an unconfirmed report,
demanded a hideous ransom: all governments of Earth must undertake not
to interrupt commercials with movies, sport events, and talk-shows.
Spokespeople of both Cuban and Italian government revealed interest in
the proposal.
Dutch dissident dealing with a member of ollower trying Individualist Collective
