I will report the result of pataphysic experiment I conducted last week-end at the joyful village of Pagliano Superiore to all people concerned in it.
Mindful of Nicholas Sacripante imperative to stand out against universal gravitation, I tried to persuade some baloneys to fall upward instead of downward.
I selected as the experiment place a large meadow, rectangular in shape, sized approximately 1000 x 500 inches, covered with a thick grass lawn which was mainly made up of dogtooth violet (Erythronium denscanis), clover (Plantago erbacea), burnet (Sanguisorba officinalis), chicory (Cichorium intibus) and good King Henry (Chenopodium bonus Henricus). The meadow faced north-northeast and one of its long sides had a steep drop off down to about 2,500 inches. The temperature was 28 degrees Celsius (82 degrees Fahrenheit). Wind was probably present, but I don't know how the fuck to measure it.
The experiment was conducted under the patronage of the Mayor of Pagliano Superiore Mr. Ernesto Giacoboni, who also supplied the baloneys - since many years he has produced and commercialized that sausage with the brand "Bologna Giacoboni", using the slogan "Bologna Giacoboni, so light!". The exact recipe for the sausage will be sended separately on demand.
Mayor Giacoboni (at the left) during a council meeting
To persuade baloneys, the following methods were used:
i. chemical method: by using a Volpi pressure pump (1.4 liter/sec) ten baloneys were sprinkled with Natrium Sulfate Na2SO4 (2% solution) in distilled water for 4.2 seconds and then dropped into the steep drop;
Mr.Giacoboni furnished the most modern equipment
ii. physical method: by using a Von Doom cyclotrone (1.4 rad) ten baloneys were irradiated with theta rays for 4.2 seconds and then dropped into the steep drop;
iii. physical method #2: by using a Von Doom cyclotrone (1.4 rad) ten baloneys were beaten for 4.2 minutes and then dropped into the steep drop;
A handy portable cyclotrone
iv. rhetorical method: by using an Armenian preacher weighing 1.4 quintal ten baloneys were exhorted to fall upward and then dropped into the steep drop;
The preacher explaining baloneys how to fly
v. biological method: by using targeted mating between pigs selected due to their lightness, an attempt is made to obtain in 1.4 millennia ten baloneys that will fall upward when dropped into the steep drop;
A screened out pig
vi. philosophical method: 1.4 philosophers watched ten baloneys fall into the steep drop to prove they fell upward;
0.4 philosophers while analyzing the results
vii. athletic method: by the use of a brawny man whose thorax circumference is 1.4 meter ten baloneys were thrown upward.
The brawny man trying to understand a joke a baloney told him
The results were the following:
i. ten out of ten
baloneys fell downward;
ii. twenty out of ten irradiated baloneys fell downward;
iii. eight out of ten baloneys fell downward, the remaining two ones became useless by mashing;
iv. ten out of ten baloneys were eaten by the preacher;
v. results will be available in 1.4 millennia;
vi. ten out of ten baloneys fell upward, according to one philosopher; the remaining 0.4 philosophers said baloneys stood still and the village of Pagliano Superiore fell downward;
vii. nine out of ten baloneys fell upward for an average time of 8.5 seconds, but then they fell downward; the remaining baloney fell upward and was seized by a passing through condor (see also my article: Some unsuspected migratory flows of condors).
By considering these results, it may be concluded we are on the right track, and Bologna Giacoboni is so light.
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